missing the point

my heart is broken i guess and i don't think i can relate to other people

it's amazing, i've been writing in this blog for nearly ten years and i haven't changed all that much

my writing has probably gotten worse in that time

i miss feeling like i'm part of something, but i'm just nothing, i'm just nothing aren't i

i wish someone still loved me like i was once a lovable person

i love so many people and yet i love no one

i love no one

i am no one

and that's okay i guess

"i want to buy a pack of cigarettes.
i want to kiss you on the mouth.
i want to slam my head against a wall."

and with that i begin a not haiku,
clacking computer keys at the speed of light,
miles ahead of my now pitiful longhand.
oh how i was quick with a bic ballpoint once upon a time.

and i was stupid to think i could sleep here without you

listening to love songs on the drive home
turn signal, right, stop light, left, keep going,
a tinny plea through my phone speaker
(i don't know how to hook it up to my radio)

i don't think i miss you.  i think i miss the idea of you.
but i'm not sure if i want that back either.