about a girl

I know that I am a machine, but don't you still believe that I can feel?
That I'm real somehow? Really now?

Why don't you spin some dreams for me
lace and wine, ghosts in the arrangements
"and it never, it never made her happy"
she brooded over counterfeit dollars and loose change

hey babe, don't you fall down, I'll be there with a little hand
Champagne breaths; phrases becoming sentences
(I hate roses because they remind me of everyone that has ever left me)

I don't think I have ever loved anyone.
It's just too easy.

Sometimes I feel the words expand and contract in my head.
sometimes I wonder if there's anything worth being in this place.

can someone prove me wrong? can someone stop me from sealing the walls off in my own little world?

I read my old journals from junior high school and realized what an asshole I was. What the hell did I know? Everything was buried. Everything I know now was not apparent then. All I knew was that I was miserable and nothing was right about the world. I still think about killing myself on average three times a day. It's mostly out of habit now -- the only security I have now is my bullshit misery.

is this really what you want from me?

fell into the well long ago

i never meant to learn it, to recite poetry with hands tied behind my back.

HURT ME. it's all i deserve

"sometimes I want to know what it's like in your head"

in fickle bouts of weather, the artist clings to her pen and weeps tar tears.
and she laughs at the crybabies around her because she never really will.
the crocodiles and ticking clocks, and I don't ever want to grow older
I pulled your hair back when you threw up,
and it was true love spread against the porcelain
and I suppose I could want you sometime.
You're just too far behind to tell loose tales; it seems I'm farther up the tree.

The artist found her niche amongst the flower children of her mother's youth
Finding cinnamon boys to inhale and alabaster girls to smooth over,
She leaves no preface or explanation, just fills the tank with liquidated dreaming
and keeps driving past roses and crumpled street signs
I am not connected with her in any way, but I know that one day I will meet her.



It's been a while since I've really used this. I've missed you all, even if I'm the only person who reads or writes in this. Please tell me otherwise. I've missed this feeling.

rossie radetsky won the war

you're the only thing worth fighting for in this place, kid.

I'm not even sure if I love you. Maybe I'm telling myself to love you so the pain isn't so big when you don't love me. I feel your love slowly sinking in, and I'm not the best part about this place. I'm not saying things to be self-deprecating, I'm being honest: you can do better than me. In fact, I want you to do better than me because I love that woman there with her bleach blonde hair. tell me there's a way out because I will follow you.

Is there something you wanted to talk about? Hear about? Tell me about?

thorns and you have no idea

why am I so okay with everything? I really, really shouldn't be considering the circumstances.

I feel sick but it's funny how I can laugh at everything.

"take cold showers every day and throw my life away"

felt as though you were spiraling out of control?

As though nothing you say matters because in the end, you're wrong anyway?

I take a lot of patience. I deserve all I get. But I do think you should feel bad.

Despite the fact that I'm a monster, you did hurt me
who's martyring themselves now?

I feel old and young and fucked up. My right eyes hurts so much. I do like myself, I do, I do. This is who I am. I will not apologize for anyone.

Congratulations, you deserve this so much. Fuck your religion, I just want to see you happy. I prefer my characters to my friends, is that sad? I don't know. I don't care, I don't, I don't.

we're very wide awake

the moon and I

sometimes I wonder if I am changing for the worse. I am just trying to make history here.

"I want to be a revolutionary." All the power to you. You are much more intelligent than I am. Take off the end, add something new, that's me, both yes and no. "Well that's not you at all." Well, you don't really know me, do you? I am so multi-faceted that you have only seen a few of my fronts, a few of my traits. I am many different things to many different people, and I wonder sometimes if that will be the death of me. I love you no matter what, but it's over, so don't fantasize about someone idolizing.

I'm a lonely little planet, and you hold the key to the city, and they're just words, just words.

I feel like a fool when I'm talking to you.

But never again, never never again.

your maturity is astounding

really, spot on. great job. you fucking asshole.

how could you single me out and treat me like shit when I am to blame for nothing? If you're insecure take it out on something else, because you talk endlessly about people being immature and people putting their problems on everyone else and then you do the same fucking thing. you huge fucking hypocrite. I don't get it. I will not work in a situation where I can't be friends with who I'm working with. I will quit. Because you, no doubt, will turn the others against me to see fit to your stupid plans or whatever. I will not be part of your vision. I need my life and you dominate it. I guess I'm depressed? Going into a bad cycle. cold as hell but it may be warm out? I'm so sad. I'm so sick (of this). I can't compete. I need a real friend and I don't know who to turn to. Perhaps I should just give up the ghost.

I have no muse. I'm with you and I have no muse. I don't want to be with you, I suppose. I'm along for the ride, I suppose. Whatever. I feel like I'm leading you on because I feel like I'm leading everyone on. What is wrong with me? I don't know. I feel like I will break you. You pull away if I show emotion. I don't know. are you afraid of me? I don't know. Punctuated with three words bound to drive anyone else mad, but not you, not you. You're different. You're special. Do I like this? I don't know.

see page one for details. I'm not even going to give you that much credit. aaaaaaaaaaaaH!

ashdfljashdflahdfljsahdflsahdfljhdsfljsah fuck you!

you can have it take it or leave it

I feel no sort of obligation to anyone. I do things now because I want to and not because someone wants me to. Fuck you if you expect anything more from that. Because you won't be with me all the time; this is my life and these are the choices that I make.

Perhaps I'm just not good at being cryptic anymore. Perhaps I'm sick of being alone. my words are that of a child and soon I will look different than before.

follow me down.

woman like a man

hey, this is me getting out what I want to say so you can read it. Keep it in mind.

I'd rather be your friend for now from what we previously discussed. It's just easier that way for me. I have college looming overhead and my friends are enough.

Also, I don't feel like I like you as much as you like me. It's weird. but I don't feel any obligation toward you whatsoever. I don't want a relationship. Not, like, never ever, but not for the foreseeable future. Perhaps not one with you either. You're too cool of a person. My first impression was right or wrong? Don't know. You're awkward and I'm being a bit of a child but I can't deal with that.

Who am I kidding, I'm always a child.

But you make me nervous as fucking hell and you're ugly but you're not. I don't know. I just want to be your friend. I kind of regret the initial reaction and I regret making out with you and I regret being an impulsive idiot. I feel as though there will always be this tension and i know it's mutual. I wish you didn't like me as much as you do, then this would be easier.

fuck all I fucking hate this and you but not really.

asdfhlhfdlasdfhlashflafjdhlashfdj.

misery is so fond of me, he curls against me at night and whispers sweet nothings

I have memory lapses, forgetting who I tell things to. And I'm unforgivable at this point.
"Stop making excuses for yourself. You're too wrapped up in yourself."

Well I'm sorry for not being the perfect mannequin you want me to be. It's all about you if you like, every single last bit of it, even if I'm lying through my teeth. Not it. Can't play the game, don't want to, miles and miles and miles. Things don't come in threes anymore, they dawdle on bye.

"I love you dear, but you're really quite the drag. What you need is foresight. She seems to be good at that. Pyre, love, you fucking suck."

Why thank you, I do try. I do weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs...

You wish. Try me. You'll no doubt se something close to love. The sun rises, the sky is blue with regret. I can't speak in anything but lyrics, tuneless because I lack a voice. I lack a heart. You say I'm compassionate, lie detector determined that was a lie said to please me so you could get what you wanted. Well, is this what you wanted? Me begging on my knees? Me distressed and worn down? I'll martyr myself all I like, it's my right. kay thanks.

Awww, petty baby. No one gives a shit about your problems. Well, wouldn't you know? I've got no real problems but I like to make believe. Instead, I just have anger. Anger sorrow pain the like you wish you wish you wish.

Drives me up the wall but I wish that you could reply. I wish I didn't have this shameless crush on you. Shameless. Shame shame shame.

Directionless as we are. Fuck God, I've got the friends in my head to fall back on. You wish you were so acid bright and wise as I am, oh you wish. Asterisk smilie face.

Love the fall but hate where I land. Mind the gap (whatever that means).

this is what you get, and it's all you deserve too

It's remarkable how I hate using the word remarkable. I feel too old when I do so.

It's notable that today is the anniversary of something. something that never was.

ha.

we had a history of violence together

My heart aches for people I barely know. Why do I want you so?

"not going left, not going right"

I'm in love with that song.

And not with you, kid. You're out of luck today.

I missed you, in short terms

in the long shot, I was nothing really.

Fond of your affection. I won't even understand what this means when it's all done. And I want my death because it will be the only thing that's all mine. All mine. I don't want it now, but I want the experience. I guess if I knew, I'd be okay, but you can't know. It's not allowed. "Oh love, I missed you so much. I did. And would you hug me, I'm dying for your arms around me." Though not so dramatic. But the intention would be the same. If my world were perfect. I can't help speaking in fragments. I need to do work, work, work, but my mind is in a perfect dream.

I had the credentials and everything, I was just too fucked up for words.

Oh, my despair! How fucking laughable. I'm a right mess and an awful one at that. Insulting myself is just the custom around here. You should know that, silly goose.

Condescending all the same, you loved me for it, all of you, once and never again.

you are

things not worth rhyming

[perhaps you are not]

the death of me

after all

especially in fragments, truth be told, wouldn't you know

sing like it

I was always a beggar and a loner,
never stepping twice, never making mistakes,
and all too accustomed to the meltdown

and I loved you still

and after it all i was vague as ever, beautiful as ever, personal as ever

and it was all a lie

I feel like a fraud, now as ever. I walked so far that I can't see your face anymore and it's all better off that way. It once had a tune that I remember all too well, that I'd like to forget. Am I getting better? I don't know. I swear I'm not a liar (though yes, yes I am, and a hypocrite too) I just don't know.

love is an empty word for me, meaningless, and my delusions of grandeur are all withstanding. "jump out the window, i can survive. stab myself, i can survive. shoot myself not because I want to die, just so I can shut my brain off and not think anymore." time is going by slower than i thought it was. I could be doing so much more and there's so much I owe to school, home, my friends, my life. I'm fucking up and i'm getting more and more depressed. It's just a part of growing up. Go fuck yourself then.

in need of help, now as ever, and i can't even hold on anymore

i still haven't come to terms with

my selfishness and stupidity.
how I hurt others along the way and how obnoxious I am.
how teenaged and mediocre my writing is.
how I'm really not that smart, I'm just a "stupid fuck with brilliant luck" who can only quote songs to describe myself.
how when I put myself down, it hurts everyone more.
how I'm dragging everyone down with me because I can't bear the thought of losing anyone, not when it's happened so many times before.

to my parents: I'm sorry for not being everything you wanted to be. I feel as though I can't win with you. You say you're going to support me in whatever you do, but I dance around topics involving who I want to marry or be with because I see mom's shudder and I hear dad's want to say "it's your CHOICE" in what he says. I can't measure up to your expectations. I can't take the pressure. You do so much and I'm so scared of everyone and the world and having to take care of them when you die. I wish it was an "if". I truly, truly do. I don't want to go away. I don't want so many things that are in my life because I brought them upon myself. I have so much, you say that so much, and I now know I do, but still I forget it and I feel like even you two are going to get sick of me too. Like I'm getting sick of myself, like the people I love who leave me in some way.

I don't know what it is anymore, not at all.

to my friends: I regret so much I have said and done because you have been there for me regardless. I ignore the fact that you have your own problems and I just rampage. I get drunk and make phone calls. I lie. I cheat, I break promises, I fail at all things a decent person could. I'm a mess, the friend you can't count on. I say things and do other things, and I'm spiteful and wrong and I make so many mistakes and I, I, I can't lose you all to this. But I'll never show you so there is no point. I can get out of bed, I ignore it and I instead spread my misery to everyone else. it is my curse, family curse, person curse, it's all mine like a blanket or a toy except it's just sad. I'm amazed that you haven't disappeared, I'm amazed you haven't said what's wrong because I know it's coming.

People I love in my life leave me, so it's so hard to let go.

Follow me. Don't follow me, too dangerous, stand clear, stay back! I'm a whirlwind of bad excuses and false hopes, no presents, no showers, no love affairs for lack of commitment. I want someone to hold me -- you to hold me, him, her, they, it, whatever -- and tell me it's okay to be fucked up. I can't convince myself because I can barely hold on as it is. I'm going insane. I think sunsets are lame and nights and days are both overrated. I hurt my life and my imaginary love and my imaginary hiding places. I wonder if anyone reads this, like I read other blogs, anxiously waiting for more inspiration and more heartache. "nobody likes me, maybe if I cry" She describes it all too well.

Too sick to eat, too sick of myself to be awake, too afraid to sleep. I don't notice cars. I don't notice street signs. Letters swerve and disappear. I am the cure, I am the curse. I am the queen of being vague and a bitch to boot. goodbye in so many languages just to throw you off. You'll never catch me, I'm far too unnoticeable.

so sorry that i refuse to apologize

but of course!

Here I am crying over something that's a stupid teenage thing but here's what's happening.

I am getting out of the house and not doing what I should because I can't concentrate on it because I'm going fucking batshit insane. I'm hearing things on a loop on repeat when they're not there, PEOPLE ARE FUCKING TALKING IN MY HEAD THAT AREN'T ME. I'm seeing things that aren't there and I'm imagining myself dead and my friends dead and things in ruins and having horrible dreams and how the fuck am I supposed to let you know that without you committing me or coddling me or losing trust in me or anything I don't want or need? I need to be alone. I need to die, I need to do something to escape this bullshit that is called my life.

I'm going crazy and you won't believe me. No one will. I just want to die right now. I can't pull any sort of card and I don't know. I feel like my blog is my best friend at this point because it can't have a fucking opinion and it can't yell at me, or make me feel small and useless, or make me want to destroy myself from the inside out. Fuck it fuck it all I hate this and I hate you and I hate hate hate hate hate hate all of it.