sometimes

I think about dying

actually no, I think about it quite often. academically, be assured (lies, personal lies, but who's reading this anyway)

fuck you and everything you stand for, because it's not aligned with me. this is directed at so many people that I confuse the different yous. directions and indirections because I am really just a confused person in a big bad world with its gendered binary and sweet broken sorrow. I need cheer. Laughing helps me forget, but even that's hollow.

I go through intense periods of self loving and self loathing. It flip flops. There is no grandeur or madness. there is productivity and positivity. I wish you weren't so negative. I want to be loved but I feel like that won't happen ever ever ever.

Going to a party later tonight. Drinking is my curse and I'm awful at it. I'm awful at most things.

real, real

and fake and all that's in between

you say that I'm not capable of any real feelings, that I'm fake and filled with fickle fortune.

maybe that's in my head, but so is everything else, and blogs and lines of words and mixed emotions, run on sentences with no false intentions, I assure you

all I dream of is you, and the beauty and lies that form beneath me like vines of cruelty, of shame. I feel dirty and wrong and angry with myself if I don't form the exact words in my head and unfurling feelings of sickness and woe and horror, oh how dramatic I am when I'm running on empty and lack of sleep, emotions that are from the core, how am I so indifferent I don't know I don't know

but maybe you so deserved that, really really you did you did.