I think about dying
actually no, I think about it quite often. academically, be assured (lies, personal lies, but who's reading this anyway)
fuck you and everything you stand for, because it's not aligned with me. this is directed at so many people that I confuse the different yous. directions and indirections because I am really just a confused person in a big bad world with its gendered binary and sweet broken sorrow. I need cheer. Laughing helps me forget, but even that's hollow.
I go through intense periods of self loving and self loathing. It flip flops. There is no grandeur or madness. there is productivity and positivity. I wish you weren't so negative. I want to be loved but I feel like that won't happen ever ever ever.
Going to a party later tonight. Drinking is my curse and I'm awful at it. I'm awful at most things.
