yeah, I'm scared, what's it to you

i woke up from a dream involving him. i was at a restaurant with him and we were talking. i told him how i've been feeling lately, my identity crisis and all. we were in this dome like structure. he misinterpreted my words into a want for sexual contact with him, so the dome spun around. He started having sex with me and I kept giving him these half-assed nos, hoping he would get the point. it cut to me on a train. the train had no destination. i was the only passenger besides a homeless man sleeping in the corner of his seat.  

i don't know what it means but i just don't want it to ever happen.  at least not like that. 

another night without much sleep

i still think of you sometimes
but i'm not sure if it's in that way
would you want it? i don't know.

words hurt, they sting like nothing else, but I eventually have to let go. and it's getting easier certainly. there are still hurdles that i'm avoiding. am i giving it a go? i know others aren't. i get angry because you fell for the wrong fucking person. i don't want to be angry at you. i want this to be over.

who am i kidding, i'm a terrible selfish person, possessive, needy, almost always nauseous.

i need to occupy myself with something, but i must wait till it all ends, till this hour is up before i can even do a single thing. i'm lonely but it's fine. i just feel like i'm being punished for honesty. it's cool (but not really).

someday I'll appreciate sunlight.

do you see me? do you see what I've become? a shell of my former self (if I even had one)

last night my breathing was quick and unsteady as I felt every bit of paranoia sink in. I thought about cutting myself on my lower back until I was eased into sleep. the fact that I get comfort from the idea of bringing myself pain is... interesting to say the least. I'm not sure if I'm scared or frustrated. I thought of my boy, my bright eyed country boy and smiled. we'll lay in the grass together. maybe there will be sex, maybe there will be just be us together, existing. whatever the case may be I welcome it.

I'm changing. I'm back on my medication. I need consistency. It will be difficult. I can do this and get through it.

and the poetry may be gone, yes, but it'll return. I can't be coherent for more than an hour at a time.