do you see me? do you see what I've become? a shell of my former self (if I even had one)
last night my breathing was quick and unsteady as I felt every bit of paranoia sink in. I thought about cutting myself on my lower back until I was eased into sleep. the fact that I get comfort from the idea of bringing myself pain is... interesting to say the least. I'm not sure if I'm scared or frustrated. I thought of my boy, my bright eyed country boy and smiled. we'll lay in the grass together. maybe there will be sex, maybe there will be just be us together, existing. whatever the case may be I welcome it.
I'm changing. I'm back on my medication. I need consistency. It will be difficult. I can do this and get through it.
and the poetry may be gone, yes, but it'll return. I can't be coherent for more than an hour at a time.
