one day I know I won't fault myself for loving you once
I feigned distance but now there is the real kind, distance from my emotions, and I can remember them fondly, letting go, throwing my head and hair back as I swung back and forth, back and forth, up and down, sun contorting my face into boys that weren't me and faces I hadn't even known yet
I think fondly and want that freedom back, that stupid reckless love
and now I talk to you like I don't know you even though I have for years and years now
I'm shut off from talking about it, I've talked enough but to myself I can talk about it always always never
it's an ache, all at once dull in my chest and sharp in my face, my eyes, my throat. I am too tired for all of this really. my wrists burn from wires and static heat. and I'd like to not feel like this, to not be in my head thinking and growing old with fear and feebleness, blooming in me like a cancer. do you even know me? do you even measure the distance with squinted eyes and pinched nerves, steady hands and a tilt of your head? no, no, I don't think so.
refreshed and refreshed and refreshed till I'm cramped, so solid, you're solid and I fell too hard too fast, never ever again do I want this at all, no never no never never
I don't feel right in these sheets, in this chair, in this skin until there's no fat at all. I don't care if I kill myself. I don't care, I don't. It's okay because I will finally be perfect, and everything you never wanted in a girl. I am doing this because I can. There is no other choice than to trust me. feel it in you to trust me love just this once now. and how now. I'll never say my love aloud.
