chains

you broke me



into this person that I never wanted to become, but was going to anyhow. I love you still.



For it? I don't know.



I want to be tough and I hope I am succeeding at giving the image of self assuredness, at the very least. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I don't even know what I'm running from. Always running, never giving in. I can't. Especially not now.

And all these nights, where you just feel so desperate and alone and wanting to cry.

but I will not let myself cry. I can't. I can't let anything happen to me, can't put anyone in the position where they could take advantage of me. The last time I let someone in I got fucked over. And I still love her. Still I do.

you're all I have and even if you're part of me, there's still something there.

they sold me dreams that I pocketed too

"my girl, I know what it is to be you

but I must say

I would never want to be you

again"

don't let it

my senses uprooted from somewhere.

I was a kid once, I swear, with gold hair and light skin, a charmer if any, and all the wiser than I am now.

funny, it's a week till christmas and eight days to a year older and I don't feel changed.

well of course I am, but at this second no. was the epitome of teenage catastrophe, with bloodshot eyes and all the rest, screechy laugh because really, what is there that I could say that would change a thing? She spends her times with her old friends and new, walls spinning and pen ran dry with lack of inspiration. She gets nowhere. She sees too many things. She falls in love.

She is me, but not so much anymore. My palindrome, I suppose, my reverse that could be the same, it has enough potential anyway.

the calluses on my fingers peel and dry, cracked under pressure and dry cold air. It makes me smile, however small and my back hurts.

loneliness makes me glamorous.

i wish I could stay sane when I'm around you

but I can't and oh how the tide changes

hhnhcvkgs bvxdfh

try as i might, it's funny how you slip by me

i love lovelovelove to see you fall, to see the twist of your body as you move. it's fire for my writer's mind, ever the observer.

perhaps there is some beauty in lust, an artform

I never knew who I was and who you were but it was rather fun all the same

there was nothing like it.

I want to be that irrational girl sometimes.



I am her, everyday, but I fail to let her fly.



one day I will grow wings and do somethin with myself. and to seey ou smile is enough.



get over her, she's not going tolove you like you love her and she won't sto loving him, so there is really no point.

h. + s = alsjd,

I don't know what is wrong wth me

opportunity knocks and I beat it with a bat.

of course

\i'm such a fucking asshole

oh you you

I just had the misfortune of falling in love with you while you were in love with someone else.

I just had the misfortune of falling in love with you.

I just had the misfortune of falling in love.

I just had the misfortune.

and nothing else after.

or maybe regret and anger, or maybe hatred for him and for circumstance and lies about situations being different and not wanting you to hold me and wanting to say all the things I should have said the last time we were together when we were lying in the parking lot and the wind was hushed and we had danced before and i was singing to you and he wasn't a concern or even a thought at the time. like how you're the only person I've loved this much like you're the only person I can feel truly utterly happy with you're the only person I could be with for the forseeable future and how it hurts me how but I guess there is mostly acceptance. To love is to let go. I just want you to be happy. and I will just have to hurt.

oh no no no

isn't it all supposed to fall into place before you go?

because irony is beautiful and all that.

there is no illusion here

i wish there could be but there is no hint of it, even in my voice. my sadness now consumes me and I wish I could stop it but i can't.

i don't feel worthy of it and I wish I could I wish for a lot of things.

i wish I could distract myself from these things I don't even know WHY i'm sad. there is something in a good song that makes the teeth in the grin peek out just slightly. are you alone? are you actually or is it just a feeling?

i am nothing and i wish i couldn't feel this. but I can. it's a burden? a blessing? the curse, the love, the only thing i wish I could look for in you. ssso unrealistic. i can't help but hope for something more than what I am seeing.

blackwood, there is no resistance now

I look back and realize I'm a pretentious fuck. hmm.

felt oddly like home or something and repeating the same miakes and the words flow together i recall t feelings when I read the words

i'm not that hard to decode try me try me
well if you know me anyway do you?

this is piracy it's privacy and it's all I asked for really i feel wretched and cold and i can't even comprehend what i'm typing and it's scaring me a little bit and I wish I knew what I was saying and I'm freaking out xadjkkdkjgt

i still feel like there is no escape from my mind. oh help me something someone? why do I keep asking this if no one will respond or care?

i still don't know what's happening.

"all that's with the story is something wrong"

I am nothing but salt water.
grey skies are still appealing can't you see.

and with every breathe I want to cut you until you bleed. get out of my life you little louse.

if i was someone you would at least have the nerve to look me in the eyes you fill me with such rage look at me fool look at me so you can't at least close your eyes then and finally see AM THE ONLY EXCEPTION.

youuyouuu

oh, lucky days, where have you gone?

what happens when all you can do is spit poetry?

it's like breathing fire, the way we circle one another. I exist in my head far more than you exist in yours. I can curl my lip because I have seen the way the breeze heads that way in search of a better pastime. Egocentricism coils around my wrist like a dying serpent and of course I have to step forward, are you mad?

today will be forgotten.

but what but what

my breathing was slow and labored.

was it really worth getting out of bed? would my misery just take hold like it always did, like an old friend or some one you just couldn't get rid of. that shadow always peeking through. are you serious? i suppose, i suppose so. and now he's dead, aren't you proud of yourself? i wish i could find the worsd to describe how i feel but they wont' come out and i feel really terrible and gross and old and young and just incomplete in general.

i think in run on sentences.

one day they'll all be sorry. one day one day one day but when will it come?

light light high high

i feel poetic today

and why shouldn't i? after all i guess it's celebratory I don't feel empty for once.

i stumble over my words because i've cut my fingers and bruised my elbows. and when my teeth tumble out to greet your fist as they've always done wil be happy then? my throat closes. my heart closes and turns to stone

i'm becoming less forgiving as the numbers increase. soon i will be nothing b ut a machine and you will be able to do nothing but mourn, cry on your hands and knees as i turn to face the sunset. i wish i was one of these beautiful little things that giggle and purr when held. i will merely push you away.

still freezing after all this time i'm sensing a theme here.

words disguise my desires. i love them and need them.

move onward from here.

years

I do not know why I should be so sad though

and the pain the ppaaiinn

wordssss and endless meaning though I should wonder why and how and if I should set this all afoot or ashore

wherever you go i'll find you
whenever you call i'll hear you
feeling so small but never looking back

I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL

curve of a waist, your very best

when did I ever feel like this? wistful and girlish, charming and unassuming. pale and cherry stained. She has wrists like a movie star.

makes me feel as though I was made of stone.
so black i swear i went blind for moments,
flashes of hot color
blood rushing over my teeth down my chin
all i wanted was your eyes for just a minute.

cry cry, hand on my cheek as though nothing mattered. but it all did someday.

my originality is bleeding me dry [and striking]

Could it be that I'm ... actually ... happy? Oh don't even kid yourself.

leaveitbeleaveitbeleaveitbe.

is there a synonym for love that would mean nearly as much? static. stoic. subordinate and adoring it.

i get it

this is the part where i throw in the towel

i'm done, i'm done, you win you win you fucking win

BEAUTIFULLY DISEASED.

yes sometimes.

Right now, I feel so small and I don't know why. Like, when we're little kids and our feet swing back and forth in the air because our feet can't reach the ground in that big chair. It's sad. I feel sad. I feel like you don't want to bemy friend anymore but I love you SO MUCH IT HURTS, okay?

What's there to give when one's given up and given in?

this is filled with questions I fear will never be answer. why can't I get what I deserve for putting up with all this?