set me forth

in the electric chair. and I still can't, I still can't see you.
I must be blind, hmm? all I feel is temperature, cold wind against my teeth. Can't I just be happy? Why can't you let me just be happy? I don't hate you.

bones stick out and I think I'm dying.
truth is I've never felt happier about the prospect.

"I would very much like to kill myself." Insert big smile here because I can be happy! out in the open, while everyone else suffers.

DON'T CALL ME DON'T SEE ME I LOATHE YOU I DETEST YOU.

no one knows my name or where i have been.

"did it all get real?
i guess it's real enough
they got refrigerators full of blood
another century spent pointing guns
at anything that moves"

(oberst his mind).

fresh to death? hmm. i never knew you like that.

dreaming dreaming the night away. ah fuck that, you know you win.

call me be mine be the opposite of everything. embody what is [im]perfect just be yourself.
it would make my life to hae a conversation with you. amazing man.

"hey you there yeah i told you so".

this cannot be part of my halogen heart.

this is something bigger. this is more exact. the kaleidoscope is spinning endlessly, and all I see are the colors. and it's so fucking beautiful that I want to cry and I want to die but I can't. I have to exist in that moment The inner skyline is endless. I can stand and stare forever in this world and never grow old and waste my fucking life and it would be alright. The night sky is a map to my heart. screaming in open fields to no one is the escape route. I am not a poem, I am a (love) song.

I am perfectly aligned with you in my head. hopeless hopeless girl.

halogen heart iii

validate my existence, why don't you?

and I've never felt so sick, passing through walls, changing during seasons. I call, I call, but to no one and this desert and these oceans will keep up apart. You loved me. You accepted me. I recoiled because you were not him, you were not her, you were not what I wanted. I want what I cannot have.

You, this you that I am referring to, don't exist. I have known of no one who really does love me in the way I need.

you're beautiful, why do you reject me? am I that strange?

I feel like a gypsy, like a nothing.

Why is my life different?

I am not understood. AM I LONESOME OR JUST ALONE?

and I just let the words flow, cry cry cry child it's alright. I am not human. I am not a machine. As I have said, I am just a monster in the sea of nothing. I can feel my sanity slip away from me and I smile because it's the only consistency in my life. it's a comfort. It's slow. It's subtle. I am the small loneliness found in your pocket. And I know who you're speaking of. And I know who you're speaking to. And YOU, thank you for being yourself and reaching out speaking out. I hate that organization. I hate what keeps us apart, boundaries of preference and the lines of the cracks in your lungs. I have written words of love between my fingers. I have made it clear and you are blind. I can't say much more than what I have, save for the sweet lull and slight buzz of your sneer, your little hello and your melting into the wall.

IAMINWHATMIGHTBELOVEWITHYOU.

andinevergetwhatiwantsocantigetwhatiamneutralabout?

no one knows about this. no one but me. and I am intending to keep it that way until I can trust someone enough to show it to them. Until I can let this go, let you go. I don't know if that can happen ever without it ending in peril. I am determined to never let you know. I am determined to keep it a secret and make you regret not acting. Because I am selfish. Because I am cruel. Because it is painful to have you just out of reach. I never say any of this because it's strange and unnatural and I am not in love with you. I want you. I am the melodramatic fool, the damsel in distress, the faulty heroine and the dreadful actress.

am I able to contain myself? Time will tell. I hope I can because it's so hard to hold on at this rate. I've made a ruddy mess of myself and the situation. I always do and I phrase it so no one can decipher it. I think I can and the train breaks down. it's dreadfully dull and makes one sleep and not wake up. I dream of you contacting me, hand holding, and holes in time. and they couldn't possibly understand. I write so much for you that you will never know. Profit off my misery. bright blue veins. you're so pale and pristine. I want to hold you. Solidity is what I need.

my breath catches. I can survive.

"You don't get the jist of it, just try harder".

we watched sesame street in math. I felt ALIVE and whole. maybe i'm only good enough for reaching out to the young. maybe i'm stuck here forever.

you make me feel guilt but i love you so don't die on me. DON'T, because i don't think i can bear life without you.

soft bear, you don't know problems. I can hug you and hug you and hug you but I will still feel the pain.

and it never ends and it never ends

HUSH. you're so sweet when you're silent.
and I will not follow you. you are beautiful so why am I so complacent?

white shocks

angry young thing, yes that is what i am

and i forgot that line but I'm lonesome

I cannot change that part. rewrite stop and start over.

three blisters are a sign of hope for me.

I'm getting better at this see look I can go on without you

the big time waster that is me

but surprisingly i feel some sort of contentedness.

I wrote a letter to you and felt better
HAHA OBSOLETION!

and all I am thinking about is recapturing how I felt when i was seven and not misery guts
(good book read it sometime)

yeeaahhh ahhahaaaa wheeeeeeeee hee.

when this all makes no sense anymore you know I'll be fine.

this is all well and true

I sing in false colors
and your coat lapel was only god's lament
"why couldn't have this gone right?"
when only her joints fascinate her
no point in saving what's already a lost cause

today will not be a day of sorrow. today will be something other than who I am.

there are no labels that can describe my feelings so you might as well just call me fluid.

HA! i am the victor and i am the dame

am I here to make sense?

"slightly off center girl collides with everything she comes across" accurate description actually

I guess i was wrong when I second guessed you. you are a coward. and you avert your eyes because you can't bear to look at me. I am the honesty to your fame, the 'this is what you'll be eventually' to your 'i am invincible and loved'. you're one of the reasons I'm afraid of the male race. "NO DON'T TOUCH ME IT MAKES ME SICK"

congratulations, you've all made me into the thing you called me for so many years. aren't you proud of yourselves?

and yet there is still a spark for a brash young punk who is safety. he is happiness. He will never, ever love me.

I cannot and will not surrender. I can continue living. I am beautiful, just in a different way than you are. I think I don't love you anymore. hooray. I will concentrate on him to forget about you.

sweet sweet love and consequence