Why is my life different?
I am not understood. AM I LONESOME OR JUST ALONE?
and I just let the words flow, cry cry cry child it's alright. I am not human. I am not a machine. As I have said, I am just a monster in the sea of nothing. I can feel my sanity slip away from me and I smile because it's the only consistency in my life. it's a comfort. It's slow. It's subtle. I am the small loneliness found in your pocket. And I know who you're speaking of. And I know who you're speaking to. And YOU, thank you for being yourself and reaching out speaking out. I hate that organization. I hate what keeps us apart, boundaries of preference and the lines of the cracks in your lungs. I have written words of love between my fingers. I have made it clear and you are blind. I can't say much more than what I have, save for the sweet lull and slight buzz of your sneer, your little hello and your melting into the wall.
IAMINWHATMIGHTBELOVEWITHYOU.
andinevergetwhatiwantsocantigetwhatiamneutralabout?
no one knows about this. no one but me. and I am intending to keep it that way until I can trust someone enough to show it to them. Until I can let this go, let you go. I don't know if that can happen ever without it ending in peril. I am determined to never let you know. I am determined to keep it a secret and make you regret not acting. Because I am selfish. Because I am cruel. Because it is painful to have you just out of reach. I never say any of this because it's strange and unnatural and I am not in love with you. I want you. I am the melodramatic fool, the damsel in distress, the faulty heroine and the dreadful actress.
am I able to contain myself? Time will tell. I hope I can because it's so hard to hold on at this rate. I've made a ruddy mess of myself and the situation. I always do and I phrase it so no one can decipher it. I think I can and the train breaks down. it's dreadfully dull and makes one sleep and not wake up. I dream of you contacting me, hand holding, and holes in time. and they couldn't possibly understand. I write so much for you that you will never know. Profit off my misery. bright blue veins. you're so pale and pristine. I want to hold you. Solidity is what I need.
my breath catches. I can survive.
