know that you brought this all onto yourself.

my brain is mush except for song lyrics, I suppose. I was spooked by my own reflection in a glass door earlier (maybe my brain is breaking down into a base creature -- I hope so). I feel songs filling my soul and rushing through me like broken wings and I want to cry, I really do. I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in an extremely time and I felt like such a child, so low and small. my hair frames my face and almost clings to it. I feel older than I want to but younger than I ever have. Funny how that works out.

the blackening, original, frazzled intensity that bores holes in me.

oh man, was that just cute (the title, subject line, whatever you call that bullshit I just wrote)

my life is filled with rejection and unrequited little things, I suppose.  I'm a sigher but not a buyer, a stewer but never a doer (until now and what exactly has that gotten me?)  gearing myself up for endless rejection sucks, but I guess it's what I'm going to have to do.  put that armor on and try not to think about her eyes as you barrel through crowds and run without ever thinking.  I think about blood letting as an artform and that scares me.  I imagine diagonal cuts and blood pooling in my backward cupped hands, trailing and splattering as I flex my wrists.  I imagine a kid with bones poking out of zher/zir skin, and when I realize that person is me, I smile.  It's awful but I want to be thin so much.  my problems won't go away, but I at least will have my A-cups back and my gaunt jaw.  I want to be damaged.  

I want her to take care of me and want me but that's never gonna happen, is it? 

but can't you see

you have EVERYTHING in the world.

and yet you want more, you want things to be perfect.  you have a man who wants to wed you in june beneath trees with your bare feet and his bristly beard and you have the girl who has stolen many hearts with her deft hands and cloudy eyes.  I love her and you love her but I will step aside because she loves you so much more, a fierce cutting blinding love that would slice through the deftest of bones and skin.  When I held her and she let her guard down, it was a private victory for me.  crying yourself to sleep is outdated, but I've done it so many times I've lost count.  And I want to cry right now, I really do, but that would be too cliche, so I just write until I make so many mistakes I can't stand myself anymore.  I wish you could understand what you have and cherish it.  I have this habit of falling for the wrong people.   

my relationship with eating has always been bad, but it's getting worse.  I ate half a meal after not eating since 11 and I felt sick sick sick, guilty sick.  

I feel the softest of things, of blue skies, and for once I want something not to sting.