scraping out my insides, you make so much (common) sense

My heart beats out of time to the rest of my body.

and how could that word blank out above all others? it completes the sentence after all, only the best. CLASSDISMISSED.

I can't write poetry anymore because my mind wanders. IT FADES useless gun cocked and shoved down girls' throats. splatter. blood and guts aren't so bad it's just the principle of the matter.

"so desperate. so sure. so desperate. so clean."

my MISERY. my DESIRE. my LOVE. my PAIN. my CONTENTMENT. my RAGE.

MY misery. MY desire. MY love. MY pain. MY contentment. MY rage.

the stress changes the meaning.

"you boys will grow up to rape" (tntllu whenever).

SPIT OUT THE WORDS LIKE YOU ACTUALLY MEANT IT. I mean nothing and i heard you baby I heard you it doesn't mean I'm listening.

I will not be bodyfucked and mindfucked and soulfucked like you do to everyone else that exists. scooters, vacation, fall? as though the words go together. the song goes throught movements as such. I can't explain my rage only that it's animalistic.

I REFUSE! But I have to. But I refuse. But I have to. But I refuse. BUT I HAVE TO!

Oh decisions. Who can ever make them?

SAYS NO DRUGS AND THAT MEANS NO!

ho-hum, let's start a fight. I can take your scene on anyday of the month.
yes yes that's all good and fine -- YOU'RE A SLUT WELL AREN'T YOU!

The future sounds nice. Less noise. I just got that ain't i pathetic.

i love you dear, you're honest. you sweet talker you!

I dont' kick tunes I'm just the poster girl for a generation of people who don't fucking care. we are different from those 40 years ago. anything is an excuse for division.

fools! let's all dance for the fire.

ohhhh bee-hayve.

hahaha as though I would write dishonestly about you. you're interesting, keep it up.

and the organ pulses and the synth beats on and on.

posture is appealing and perfection is such a rat race. I'm already worn out and I'm too young for this.

big grin. "you the festival?" haha.

isn't it funny how

it all slips away when you don't realize?

it moves, it moves

and the way you breathe is interesting. and you're an evil child.

my heartache alone could save you. I don't deserve you. you consume me stop that.
stabbed through the throat with scissors and all she could do was laugh. and no one will report the news when I die.

I need to face the fact that you will never want me. i hate being who I am and my stupid, stupid heart.

no one knows about this all and i am glad. i am not a soldier and the cold consumes me.

set me forth

in the electric chair. and I still can't, I still can't see you.
I must be blind, hmm? all I feel is temperature, cold wind against my teeth. Can't I just be happy? Why can't you let me just be happy? I don't hate you.

bones stick out and I think I'm dying.
truth is I've never felt happier about the prospect.

"I would very much like to kill myself." Insert big smile here because I can be happy! out in the open, while everyone else suffers.

DON'T CALL ME DON'T SEE ME I LOATHE YOU I DETEST YOU.

no one knows my name or where i have been.

"did it all get real?
i guess it's real enough
they got refrigerators full of blood
another century spent pointing guns
at anything that moves"

(oberst his mind).

fresh to death? hmm. i never knew you like that.

dreaming dreaming the night away. ah fuck that, you know you win.

call me be mine be the opposite of everything. embody what is [im]perfect just be yourself.
it would make my life to hae a conversation with you. amazing man.

"hey you there yeah i told you so".

this cannot be part of my halogen heart.

this is something bigger. this is more exact. the kaleidoscope is spinning endlessly, and all I see are the colors. and it's so fucking beautiful that I want to cry and I want to die but I can't. I have to exist in that moment The inner skyline is endless. I can stand and stare forever in this world and never grow old and waste my fucking life and it would be alright. The night sky is a map to my heart. screaming in open fields to no one is the escape route. I am not a poem, I am a (love) song.

I am perfectly aligned with you in my head. hopeless hopeless girl.

halogen heart iii

validate my existence, why don't you?

and I've never felt so sick, passing through walls, changing during seasons. I call, I call, but to no one and this desert and these oceans will keep up apart. You loved me. You accepted me. I recoiled because you were not him, you were not her, you were not what I wanted. I want what I cannot have.

You, this you that I am referring to, don't exist. I have known of no one who really does love me in the way I need.

you're beautiful, why do you reject me? am I that strange?

I feel like a gypsy, like a nothing.

Why is my life different?

I am not understood. AM I LONESOME OR JUST ALONE?

and I just let the words flow, cry cry cry child it's alright. I am not human. I am not a machine. As I have said, I am just a monster in the sea of nothing. I can feel my sanity slip away from me and I smile because it's the only consistency in my life. it's a comfort. It's slow. It's subtle. I am the small loneliness found in your pocket. And I know who you're speaking of. And I know who you're speaking to. And YOU, thank you for being yourself and reaching out speaking out. I hate that organization. I hate what keeps us apart, boundaries of preference and the lines of the cracks in your lungs. I have written words of love between my fingers. I have made it clear and you are blind. I can't say much more than what I have, save for the sweet lull and slight buzz of your sneer, your little hello and your melting into the wall.

IAMINWHATMIGHTBELOVEWITHYOU.

andinevergetwhatiwantsocantigetwhatiamneutralabout?

no one knows about this. no one but me. and I am intending to keep it that way until I can trust someone enough to show it to them. Until I can let this go, let you go. I don't know if that can happen ever without it ending in peril. I am determined to never let you know. I am determined to keep it a secret and make you regret not acting. Because I am selfish. Because I am cruel. Because it is painful to have you just out of reach. I never say any of this because it's strange and unnatural and I am not in love with you. I want you. I am the melodramatic fool, the damsel in distress, the faulty heroine and the dreadful actress.

am I able to contain myself? Time will tell. I hope I can because it's so hard to hold on at this rate. I've made a ruddy mess of myself and the situation. I always do and I phrase it so no one can decipher it. I think I can and the train breaks down. it's dreadfully dull and makes one sleep and not wake up. I dream of you contacting me, hand holding, and holes in time. and they couldn't possibly understand. I write so much for you that you will never know. Profit off my misery. bright blue veins. you're so pale and pristine. I want to hold you. Solidity is what I need.

my breath catches. I can survive.

"You don't get the jist of it, just try harder".

we watched sesame street in math. I felt ALIVE and whole. maybe i'm only good enough for reaching out to the young. maybe i'm stuck here forever.

you make me feel guilt but i love you so don't die on me. DON'T, because i don't think i can bear life without you.

soft bear, you don't know problems. I can hug you and hug you and hug you but I will still feel the pain.

and it never ends and it never ends

HUSH. you're so sweet when you're silent.
and I will not follow you. you are beautiful so why am I so complacent?

white shocks

angry young thing, yes that is what i am

and i forgot that line but I'm lonesome

I cannot change that part. rewrite stop and start over.

three blisters are a sign of hope for me.

I'm getting better at this see look I can go on without you

the big time waster that is me

but surprisingly i feel some sort of contentedness.

I wrote a letter to you and felt better
HAHA OBSOLETION!

and all I am thinking about is recapturing how I felt when i was seven and not misery guts
(good book read it sometime)

yeeaahhh ahhahaaaa wheeeeeeeee hee.

when this all makes no sense anymore you know I'll be fine.

this is all well and true

I sing in false colors
and your coat lapel was only god's lament
"why couldn't have this gone right?"
when only her joints fascinate her
no point in saving what's already a lost cause

today will not be a day of sorrow. today will be something other than who I am.

there are no labels that can describe my feelings so you might as well just call me fluid.

HA! i am the victor and i am the dame

am I here to make sense?

"slightly off center girl collides with everything she comes across" accurate description actually

I guess i was wrong when I second guessed you. you are a coward. and you avert your eyes because you can't bear to look at me. I am the honesty to your fame, the 'this is what you'll be eventually' to your 'i am invincible and loved'. you're one of the reasons I'm afraid of the male race. "NO DON'T TOUCH ME IT MAKES ME SICK"

congratulations, you've all made me into the thing you called me for so many years. aren't you proud of yourselves?

and yet there is still a spark for a brash young punk who is safety. he is happiness. He will never, ever love me.

I cannot and will not surrender. I can continue living. I am beautiful, just in a different way than you are. I think I don't love you anymore. hooray. I will concentrate on him to forget about you.

sweet sweet love and consequence

doubly posted young thing.

forgive her, she's no good.

it's unbelievable how

as the day passes I am feeling more morose

"i have a defective daughter here I would lie exchange for someone more polite" my mother's thoughts I'm sure at this moment in time.

ugh and as the years go.

halogen heart ii

reiterate what I used to say
when nights were young and whispers of betrayal
were merely playful suggestion.
[don't wander that way, it's too close to the dark]

don't taste what he brings you in pretty packages
madness will surely follow and we don't want that now
[you follow what I say because...because I know best]

"poetry is escape art
and escape art is trickery
and trickery is necessity
and necessity is irrelevant, just like me." [inspiration... corgan the inner recesses of his mind]

do you have the time baby do you
increase the suffering by slitting wrists and all sorts of teenaged things; i'm so bored as a drone.

i can't even see you (when do i ever)
and this has no relevance to what it did before
(it started with a dream, it was all a dream)

this is shadow, this is rain

cheers to never feeling the same.

and we are nowhere, nothing, shadows in the corridor, skeletons sipping tea in the parlor.

and I really was beautiful once. oh honest. why am i always cold and why do my feet ache and why do i feel like i am going blind am i going blind?

dirty girl shameful girl nothing girl

and i hope she drowns

bound to be sick to her stomach with goodness

well then just stop. really you don't have to do it but if you're going to complain DON'T EVEN FUCKING BOTHER.

quit while you're still ahead, it's not that difficult. and the world subsides and the world subsides and all i feel is emptiness. and why do you ask me questions i can't answer?

I am chilled all the time. i don't want to be here. I want to crawl in bed and finish the job because i have already died inside.

"because i'm in love with my sadness" (corgan from the pages of his mind).

and you're all so materialistic god it's sickening. I once said that I couldn't hate anyone. That isn't true, because i can hate myself

I wish to stop eating because I want to see what happens. it starts today. it starts today. (but I know what happens and I don't care it's different for everyone can't you see)

i can do this
wish me luck
i am [not] brave

yes. so.

boys like girls and boys like boys and girls like boys and girls like girls and is there really an inbetween?

girls like boys and girls boys like girls and boys.

I'm a boy. no. i wish sometimes to be a boy for just a day. what's so damn great huh?