years

I do not know why I should be so sad though

and the pain the ppaaiinn

wordssss and endless meaning though I should wonder why and how and if I should set this all afoot or ashore

wherever you go i'll find you
whenever you call i'll hear you
feeling so small but never looking back

I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL

curve of a waist, your very best

when did I ever feel like this? wistful and girlish, charming and unassuming. pale and cherry stained. She has wrists like a movie star.

makes me feel as though I was made of stone.
so black i swear i went blind for moments,
flashes of hot color
blood rushing over my teeth down my chin
all i wanted was your eyes for just a minute.

cry cry, hand on my cheek as though nothing mattered. but it all did someday.

my originality is bleeding me dry [and striking]

Could it be that I'm ... actually ... happy? Oh don't even kid yourself.

leaveitbeleaveitbeleaveitbe.

is there a synonym for love that would mean nearly as much? static. stoic. subordinate and adoring it.

i get it

this is the part where i throw in the towel

i'm done, i'm done, you win you win you fucking win

BEAUTIFULLY DISEASED.

yes sometimes.

Right now, I feel so small and I don't know why. Like, when we're little kids and our feet swing back and forth in the air because our feet can't reach the ground in that big chair. It's sad. I feel sad. I feel like you don't want to bemy friend anymore but I love you SO MUCH IT HURTS, okay?

What's there to give when one's given up and given in?

this is filled with questions I fear will never be answer. why can't I get what I deserve for putting up with all this?

the sunset in my heart is blue and silver.

we are the cure, we are the curse. walk with me. I can hardly stand it any longer. Perhaps I'm just trying to reassure myself of the inner workings. That I might be better (even though I'm not -- I am -- I'm not). Funny how when I write the keyboard registers mere fragments of my words and I have to edit it. Perhaps it's trying to tell me something. I guess I just speak in fragments.

"and we are so alone"

I'm still freezing cold and drowning in my daydreams. my eyes are the only part of my body i can stand at this rate. maybe if I knew who I was already I could spend the time I would have spent discovering myself being productive. who knows really

I've lost it to sugary drinks and small bits of white.

how sad is it that I can't remember what makes me happy?

I can barely remember my own name half the time, let alone how I felt maybe a week ago maybe a month ago maybe yesterday. Stuck in now, waiting for then to catch up. I'll wait this lifetime and maybe the next. There is a lot of uncertainty here.

Oh obviously I'm not the right one for you.

Icy water is where I need to be. old fingers meet young hands. new friends meet old strangers.

ties break and I am caught in the inbetween, oh god please save me now

to my unconceived child

I'm writing this letter to you as though you were alive and able to read this. I hope that by the time you are the age I am now, you know more than I do. I am a different person than I was even in September. I have made more mistakes than I am willing to say. I have not lived life as I should, choosing instead to lament. Even this letter is self-serving. I hope for you to read this and say, "Wow, my mother is/was/maybe will never be a wise lady."

Perhaps you will never come. It is far too early to tell.

I want you to live your life as I am not living. Be yourself and don't be self conscious. Somehow I know that you're beautiful and I want you to show that beauty. Smile and scream to the sun. Do not lie down and wait for something to take you. a that chance. If I am there I will hold you up but you will have to fly away on your own. And I will sob and wave goodbye as you make the ascent. It will be nothing short of breathtaking.

You will go further than I can. You will reach the stars when I could only reach the clouds.

I still don't know where life will take me. I think you will come along but it's a matter of when. I hope I can remember this letter to you and leave it for you after I'm gone (but not necessarily after I'm dead). You will sit by my bedside and read this and cry. Or maybe you won't cry. I know somehow you are stronger than I will ever be. I already love you and I don't even know you. Isn't that something.

Be true. Stay gold. Be all the things you read in books but mostly be who you are in your heart.

I wish you everything,
your maybe mother

"just because you're suicidal doesn't mean you can't clean your room".

it's hard to discover that.

and i'm afraid of so many things and i just CAN'T be happy anymore. it's probably hormones, it's probably your body, it's probably this and that. that's all fine and dandy but i want to know what it ACTUALLY is.

you make me want to throw up in the best way possible!

what lovely images. and you're a girl! gender fucking sucks.

stupid STUPID STUPID.

I can no longer sleep. perhaps I can get peace soon? diving headfirst into my own grave!

young, romantic, childish. i wanted the blindness to spread across my cheek like the ash i dipped my hands in. the joy rained into my mouth, got in my eyes -- i laughed as only one spurned by love could. i kicked my feet and laughed till the blood on my teeth dripped to my lips and stained my chin as if it were cloth. a portrait of the dead to hang on the wall, i ascended the stairs in hopes of finding the muddy footprints of my true sweetheart. instead i found you as the portrait, alive and whimpering as teenaged jaded christ, nails through palms and grime halo round the head. i finished what i started

and i forget the simplest words for things

is this love? or is this simply turmoil at its best.

crackle. pop. you were always the best at lying to me.

I think i am speaking to someone invisible because there is no one person that does all this to me at the same time at the same intensity for the same duration. and goddamn that was a run on sentence but I really don't care about that. I want my emotions back. I wish I could join you but the pills are fucking me up. The others make me worse, the others make me worse.

how long will it be till I can't carry on? and the minutes move so slowly, and I feel so empty.
s y s c
t o a r
a u d e
r a
v t
e u
r
e

this world isn't good enough for me. it's simply better.
s l o w. fastfastfastfastfastfast

Let me be lonely and I'll savor the rest and the best till last and the best till last

scraping out my insides, you make so much (common) sense

My heart beats out of time to the rest of my body.

and how could that word blank out above all others? it completes the sentence after all, only the best. CLASSDISMISSED.

I can't write poetry anymore because my mind wanders. IT FADES useless gun cocked and shoved down girls' throats. splatter. blood and guts aren't so bad it's just the principle of the matter.

"so desperate. so sure. so desperate. so clean."

my MISERY. my DESIRE. my LOVE. my PAIN. my CONTENTMENT. my RAGE.

MY misery. MY desire. MY love. MY pain. MY contentment. MY rage.

the stress changes the meaning.

"you boys will grow up to rape" (tntllu whenever).

SPIT OUT THE WORDS LIKE YOU ACTUALLY MEANT IT. I mean nothing and i heard you baby I heard you it doesn't mean I'm listening.

I will not be bodyfucked and mindfucked and soulfucked like you do to everyone else that exists. scooters, vacation, fall? as though the words go together. the song goes throught movements as such. I can't explain my rage only that it's animalistic.

I REFUSE! But I have to. But I refuse. But I have to. But I refuse. BUT I HAVE TO!

Oh decisions. Who can ever make them?

SAYS NO DRUGS AND THAT MEANS NO!

ho-hum, let's start a fight. I can take your scene on anyday of the month.
yes yes that's all good and fine -- YOU'RE A SLUT WELL AREN'T YOU!

The future sounds nice. Less noise. I just got that ain't i pathetic.

i love you dear, you're honest. you sweet talker you!

I dont' kick tunes I'm just the poster girl for a generation of people who don't fucking care. we are different from those 40 years ago. anything is an excuse for division.

fools! let's all dance for the fire.

ohhhh bee-hayve.

hahaha as though I would write dishonestly about you. you're interesting, keep it up.

and the organ pulses and the synth beats on and on.

posture is appealing and perfection is such a rat race. I'm already worn out and I'm too young for this.

big grin. "you the festival?" haha.

isn't it funny how

it all slips away when you don't realize?

it moves, it moves

and the way you breathe is interesting. and you're an evil child.

my heartache alone could save you. I don't deserve you. you consume me stop that.
stabbed through the throat with scissors and all she could do was laugh. and no one will report the news when I die.

I need to face the fact that you will never want me. i hate being who I am and my stupid, stupid heart.

no one knows about this all and i am glad. i am not a soldier and the cold consumes me.

set me forth

in the electric chair. and I still can't, I still can't see you.
I must be blind, hmm? all I feel is temperature, cold wind against my teeth. Can't I just be happy? Why can't you let me just be happy? I don't hate you.

bones stick out and I think I'm dying.
truth is I've never felt happier about the prospect.

"I would very much like to kill myself." Insert big smile here because I can be happy! out in the open, while everyone else suffers.

DON'T CALL ME DON'T SEE ME I LOATHE YOU I DETEST YOU.

no one knows my name or where i have been.

"did it all get real?
i guess it's real enough
they got refrigerators full of blood
another century spent pointing guns
at anything that moves"

(oberst his mind).

fresh to death? hmm. i never knew you like that.

dreaming dreaming the night away. ah fuck that, you know you win.

call me be mine be the opposite of everything. embody what is [im]perfect just be yourself.
it would make my life to hae a conversation with you. amazing man.

"hey you there yeah i told you so".

this cannot be part of my halogen heart.

this is something bigger. this is more exact. the kaleidoscope is spinning endlessly, and all I see are the colors. and it's so fucking beautiful that I want to cry and I want to die but I can't. I have to exist in that moment The inner skyline is endless. I can stand and stare forever in this world and never grow old and waste my fucking life and it would be alright. The night sky is a map to my heart. screaming in open fields to no one is the escape route. I am not a poem, I am a (love) song.

I am perfectly aligned with you in my head. hopeless hopeless girl.

halogen heart iii

validate my existence, why don't you?

and I've never felt so sick, passing through walls, changing during seasons. I call, I call, but to no one and this desert and these oceans will keep up apart. You loved me. You accepted me. I recoiled because you were not him, you were not her, you were not what I wanted. I want what I cannot have.

You, this you that I am referring to, don't exist. I have known of no one who really does love me in the way I need.

you're beautiful, why do you reject me? am I that strange?

I feel like a gypsy, like a nothing.

Why is my life different?

I am not understood. AM I LONESOME OR JUST ALONE?

and I just let the words flow, cry cry cry child it's alright. I am not human. I am not a machine. As I have said, I am just a monster in the sea of nothing. I can feel my sanity slip away from me and I smile because it's the only consistency in my life. it's a comfort. It's slow. It's subtle. I am the small loneliness found in your pocket. And I know who you're speaking of. And I know who you're speaking to. And YOU, thank you for being yourself and reaching out speaking out. I hate that organization. I hate what keeps us apart, boundaries of preference and the lines of the cracks in your lungs. I have written words of love between my fingers. I have made it clear and you are blind. I can't say much more than what I have, save for the sweet lull and slight buzz of your sneer, your little hello and your melting into the wall.

IAMINWHATMIGHTBELOVEWITHYOU.

andinevergetwhatiwantsocantigetwhatiamneutralabout?

no one knows about this. no one but me. and I am intending to keep it that way until I can trust someone enough to show it to them. Until I can let this go, let you go. I don't know if that can happen ever without it ending in peril. I am determined to never let you know. I am determined to keep it a secret and make you regret not acting. Because I am selfish. Because I am cruel. Because it is painful to have you just out of reach. I never say any of this because it's strange and unnatural and I am not in love with you. I want you. I am the melodramatic fool, the damsel in distress, the faulty heroine and the dreadful actress.

am I able to contain myself? Time will tell. I hope I can because it's so hard to hold on at this rate. I've made a ruddy mess of myself and the situation. I always do and I phrase it so no one can decipher it. I think I can and the train breaks down. it's dreadfully dull and makes one sleep and not wake up. I dream of you contacting me, hand holding, and holes in time. and they couldn't possibly understand. I write so much for you that you will never know. Profit off my misery. bright blue veins. you're so pale and pristine. I want to hold you. Solidity is what I need.

my breath catches. I can survive.